Kenya Transtrum

It was a late Spring day full of moist pink air that lay heavy in the house. Even with his windows open and his shirt off, Danny was uncomfortably warm and it was late enough in the afternoon that he was losing his ability to concentrate on his online class. He rolled his head around on his neck, his curly brown hair scratched his shoulders. He jumped out of his chair to go to the kitchen for a drink and a walk outside. The noises he heard in the kitchen reminded him that Sarah was bringing friends home after school to work on a project. He’d grab a bottled water and be out of there in no time. Hopefully, no one would have to speak to each other. Ducking into the room with his head down, he opened the fridge as he heard a voice say his name, “Dan, I haven’t seen you for years. Do you remember me?”
He peeked around the fridge door. When he saw her his memory of her was mostly whirling colors. The girl that was in constant graceful, dancing motion like a beautiful moon orbiting a unsuspecting planet. “Uh, of course I do.” Danny frantically wanted out. It had taken him long enough to get over his feelings for her.
“You’re teasing me. You don’t even know my name.” Her smile filled her face. She curled her fingers together and folded them into a fist that she put in front of her lips and let her chocolate eyes flirt with him.
His eyes never left hers. “Hey Sarah, I’m going out for a bit. Nice to see you again, Espri.” He lifted his chin at her and turned to leave.
“I’m impressed.” She wouldn’t let him go. The other two girls in the room had been watching with slack jaws and bewildered looks. “I was sure you had completely forgotten me.”
“Sarah mentions you sometimes. I see you around.” With Caleb he wanted to finish, but didn’t want her to know he cared about her at all.
“Do you ever get to the school games?” She asked.
“It’s a small town, Espri. You’re hard to miss” He shrugged.
“Hey Sarah, do you mind if I had a little talk with Dan? I’ll only be a little minute.” She stood and twisted her body toward Sarah pinching her finger and thumb together spacing out a quarter inch between them.
“Don’t be too long, we need to get this done.” Sarah knew that she had no control over what Espri did. It wouldn’t do a bit of good to tell her no.
Danny walked outside and Espri followed him.
“Where are we going?” She asked.
“For a walk.”
“Sounds great.”
Danny kept his thoughts to himself as they started toward the trees, but his mind was wild with wondering. She kept smiling up at him and opening her mouth like she wanted to say something but kept quiet until he rounded the corner from his house where their was privacy and trees covered them. “So. Why are you here, Espri.”
“We’re doing a project…”
“No, I mean here. Outside with me.” Danny swept his arms wide.
“Oh that. I just haven’t seen you for so long. I thought maybe we could talk a little.” She looked at him straight, a hopeful smile across her beautiful face.
“Talk about what? We haven’t talked for two years and now all of a sudden you want to talk?” What he really wanted was to grab her into his arms and kiss her. Every cell in his body was vibrating with a longing and urgency.
“Well, truthfully…?” She stepped closer to him. So close. Leaning forward, looking up at him until he could smell her hair, see the flecks of gold in her eyes, feel her breath on his cheeks as she whispered, “I’d really… rather… kiss you.”
Danny wasn’t sure he had heard her correctly. “Kiss?”
She lifted her arms around his neck, got on tiptoe, and watching closely at his eyes and lips, she said, “Yes.”
His mouth fell into hers, hands were instantly tangled in her hair. Her brain was exploding with signals that it sent pulsing throughout all his body. That constrained love he’d had for her found its outlet at last and it wasn’t wasting any a single sensation. To his surprise, her passion was just as eager and ferocious. She leaped into his arms, wrapping her thin legs around his waist and he held her tight against his chest. She threw back her head and laughed while he kissed her pulsing neck. Then her lips were back, sweetly tasting his and he wasn’t sure if he was going to die with the sheer pleasure of the moment or become the incredible Hulk with all the power he felt surging through him.

For their first kiss, Danny couldn’t have asked for anything greater. While he had wondered about her all this time, what she would be like to have his arm around, to be by his side, to kiss, that was now the known. His musings were so much more exciting now he knew what to expect from her. Later that night he thought of their future. For she had made it certain that afternoon they had one. What and when that would be he had no idea, but no longer did he have to yearn, now he only had to wait. And while he waited, he had a memory to keep him company.

It was a spring day full of moist pink air that felt heavy in the house. Even with his windows open and his shirt off, Danny was uncomfortably warm and it was late enough in the afternoon that he was losing his ability to concentrate on his online class. He rolled his head around on his neck, his curly brown hair scratched his shoulders. He jumped out of his chair to go to the kitchen for a drink and a walk outside. The noises he heard in the kitchen reminded him that Sarah was bringing friends home after school to work on a project. He’d grab a bottled water and be out of there in no time. Hopefully, no one would have to speak to each other.
Ducking into the room with his head down, he opened the fridge as he heard a voice say his name, “Dan, I haven’t seen you for years. Do you remember me?”
Even the sound of her voice caused his skin to suddenly go all goose-pimply. He hesitated looking up, but his head couldn’t stay stuck in the here all day. He peeked around the fridge door. When he saw her his memory flashed whirling colors. She was in constant graceful, dancing motion like a beautiful moon orbiting an unsuspecting planet. “Uh, of course I do.” Danny frantically wanted out. It has taken him long enough to get over his feelings for her, if he really had. He didn’t need to see her close up, hear her sweet voice, especially saying his name.
“You’re teasing me. You don’t even remember my name.” Her smile filled her face. She curled her fingers together and folded them into a fist that she put in front of her lips and let her chocolate eyes flirt with him.
His eyes never left hers. “Hey Sarah, I’m going out for a bit. Nice to see you again, Espri.” He lifted his chin at her and turned to leave.
“I’m impressed.” She wouldn’t let him go. The other two girls in the room had been watching with slacked jaws and bewildered looks. “I was sure you had completely forgotten me.”
“Sarah mentions you sometimes. I see you around.” With Caleb, he wanted to finish, but didn’t want her to know he still cared about her at all.
“Oh? Do you go to the school games?” She asked.
“It’s a small town, Espri. You’re hard to miss” He shrugged and turned to the door.
“Wait!” The compulsion to stand there stranded him on two beige squares of linoleum. Left foot, and then right wriggling in his sneakers. “Hey Sarah, do you mind if I had a little talk with Dan? I’ll only be a minute.” Turning to face her, he watched as she stood and twisted her body toward Sarah pinching her finger and thumb together spacing out a quarter inch between them.
“Don’t be too long, we need to get this done.” Sarah said with a sigh. A hint of a smile passed Danny’s lips. Even his sister knew you couldn’t say ‘no’ to Espri.
Danny walked outside with Espri at his heels. “Where are we going?” She asked.
“I’m going for a walk.”
“Sounds great.” He was walking faster than he would have alone. Espri had to take two steps to his every one. She was silent as they walked into the trees. Abruptly, he stopped and turned on her.
“So. Why are you here, Espri?”
“We’re doing a project…”
“No, I mean here. Outside with me.” Danny swept his arms wide.
“Oh that. I just haven’t seen you for so long. I thought maybe we could talk a little.” She looked at him straight, a hopeful smile across her beautiful face.
“Talk about what? We haven’t talked for over two years and now all of a sudden you want to talk?” What he really wanted was to grab her into his arms and kiss her. Every cell in his body was vibrating with a longing and urgency. It felt like eternity that he had been fighting that impulse. It was easier when she wasn’t standing right in front of him.
“Well, I can’t forget about that one time…” She stopped speaking.
“What one time?” Was it the time he couldn’t forget about either? Had she remembered it as vividly as he did? Did she rework the outcome more favorably as he did time and time again?
“The time you took me home after the game. When I was a freshman and you were a senior.” Her words could not ring more sweetly in his ears. She had been reliving that night, too.
“Then talk.” Danny said. What she had to say about that night he was desperate to hear.
“Truthfully?” She stepped closer to him. So close. Leaning forward, looking up at him until he could smell her hair, see the flecks of gold in her eyes, feel her breath on his cheeks as she whispered, “I’d really… rather… finish what we started.” She licked her lips. “I want to kiss you.”
Danny wasn’t sure he had heard her correctly. “Kiss?” She lifted her arms around his neck, got on tiptoe, and watching closely at his eyes and lips and said, “Yes.”
His mouth fell into hers, his hands were instantly tangled in her hair. His brain was exploding with signals sent pulsing throughout all his body. That constrained love he’d had for her found its outlet at last and it wasn’t wasting a single sensation. To his surprise, her passion was just as eager and ferocious. She leaped into his arms, wrapping her thin legs around his waist and he held her tight against his chest. She threw back her head and laughed while he kissed her pulsing neck. Then her lips were back, sweetly tasting his and he wasn’t sure if he was going to die with the sheer pleasure of the moment or burst out of his skin with all the power he felt surging through him. That she was feeling what he was feeling made this the most sensational experience he could have hoped for. Espri wanted to kiss him, too. Had she been wanting it since that night?

For their first kiss, Danny couldn’t have asked for anything greater. While he had wondered about her all this time, what she would be like to have his arm around, to be by his side, to kiss, that was now the known, so had she. She expressed her shame at her innocence back then, at her inability to handle the intensity of the tingling that began to rush through her when he tried to kiss her. His musings were so much more exciting now he knew what to expect from her. Later that night he thought of their future. For she had made it certain that afternoon they had one. What and when that would be he had no idea, but no longer did he have to yearn; now he only had to wait. And while he waited, he had a new memory to keep him company. One he happily embraced.

John wasn’t sure why he took Sugar into the station for questioning, but things had built up too high in him lately and he had to make her see. These headaches that were burning in his brain were more than just the misfirings of his ideas, they seemed to be the spreading of a wild fire tearing through the virgin, outback brush of his madness. All his frustration was Sugar’s fault. She had to see this. He would make her see that she had spurned him, ignored him, yet she flirted and led him on so carefully and easily down into the cavern of this dark confusion. Yes, she would pay for her cleverness, her twisted games.
He dragged her down the hallway past the other cells to the back where no one could hear, no one could see. His hands dug into her flesh and she protested with innocence in her eyes and disgust on her lips. She must know he has something special in store for her tonight, though even in his heated fury, he hadn’t yet picked the perfect punishment. It would be fitting, that much he did know.
Did she think she could insult him day after day with her winsome smile, her curly auburn hair trailing snakelike down her soft and curving back? All the while denying him of any of her soft places, those alluring red lips, even the magic of her fingertips. Not once in his feverish anger did he think of the moment when he decided she wasn’t good enough for him to marry, the day he asked for the ring back, or even the fact the it was he who was married and not she.
This was her fault and she would pay for all the years of his pain. How dare she think that he might be hiding the truth or driving her nephew to a life time in jail without proof. He was a detective. He knew what he saw. He had all the evidence he needed for a conviction. And yet for her had he been wasting his time and allowing things to be bandied about in speculation. For her had he allowed himself moments of doubt and what-ifs to flood the evidence and try to wash it all away. She was playing him, as she always did. No longer would he let this go on. Tonight he would force the haughtiness out of her.
The cell door squeaked open and John carelessly tossed Sugar inside. Although he could see the fear in her eyes, she remained calm. He seethed to see her so still, so unafraid. Didn’t she know what he was capable of? Didn’t she understand the danger she was in? In a burst of fury he rushed at her and forced his lips on hers, tearing at her clothing. He heard the gasping of her breath, a whimper. Finally. Finally. Sugar was beginning to see that he was a man who controlled his own world. No longer would she demand his patience and respect. He grabbed at his belt and yanked it open. He would take what he had deserved all these years. From here on out he would dominate her days and nights. She would never get him away from her, off of her, out of her. He owned her. Finally.

Danny moved out under the shocking bright moon. Not nearly full, it cast long dark shadows as he made his way toward the tree line. The past
week had been nearly unbearable.
The secrecy was particularly difficult. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he’d been able to just stay home and crawl into his bed like Caleb had done. Hide away from the world, sit all his emotions on the pine needles of the trees he passed, like the snowflakes that clung there. Hidden away the forest, invisible to the town, his family, to Sugar’s soul-searching eyes.
He had no such luxury, He was not expected to
be sad, lonely, appalled, frightened, sleepless, sick with dread or feverish with longing and regret. Espri’s death was not to mean anything to him. He couldn’t talk to anyone. There war not a single soul he could trust his secret to. But above all that, the secret kept him from being able to show any of his emotions to anyone He either had to soldier them in or fox hole himself when they blasted uncontrollably out of him.
It was a good thing he was a trapper. It was one inconspicuous chance to be alone, to cry and even howl without people around. Normally, Danny was quite sociable. People and he got along just fine. Yapping wasn’t his thing, but he got along just fine in a group conversation or one-on-one. Just because he wasn’t a big chatterer didn’t mean he didn’t need someone to talk to about all this. He was confused and unsure, in need of direction and normally he’d take a problem like this to Sugar or his mother. There wasn’t even a possibility that he could dream about this, let alone imagine while awake that he could speak about it. It was just such an unspeakable thing. What work they think? If he thought there was someone he could trust it would be Sugar. She loved him. She trusted him. Sugar would believe him if he said it happened the way it did. If there was anyone, it was Sugar.
That was foolish talk He couldn’t allow himself the gift of imagining such a scene. The back table at Sugar’s diner just like any other day. He and Sugar eating a cinnamon bun, drinking coffee. The morning bustle of the diner quieted down and now Sugar could sit with awhile and talk. He’d tell her a joke, make a play on words, tell her something funny he’d seen or done while out trapping and they’d laugh about it. Sugar would see the pain there, and reach across the table taking his hand in hers and ask him to tell her what’s wrong. She’d promise never to tell and he knew he could trust her. He had always trusted her. Even when he’d gotten drunk and threw the beer bottle into Officer Robinson’s front room window. She didn’t tell on him then and he knew she wouldn’t now.
Instantly, shame, sorrow and fear flooded his mind. Killing a girl is far different than throwing a bottle through a window. Someone could help you during a little vandalism, but murder? Even if it had been an accident, who but Sugar would believe him and how would they ever convince the police? If only… Yeah, he’d said that a million times this past week. He was alone. Alone with his crime, alone with his sorrow, alone with his fear.
Walking through the forest, checking on his last trap, cold, alone, hurting with unbearable agony, Danny turned around to go back home, the one place that used to make him happy. It was the end of the day. Now, he wondered, could he make it through another night without Espri?

“I’m not going home.” Caleb said.
“Got a new girl? That was fast,” teased Greg.
Caleb shot him a look of disgust. “I think it’s comments like these that kept us from being friends lately.”
“Ah, come on. Can’t you take a little joke?” Greg raised his opened palms up to his shoulder.
“That wasn’t funny, Not the least bit.” Caleb turned away from Greg and headed toward his locker.
”Sorry!” Greg called out after Caleb.
Caleb wasn’t sure he meant it. Greg had said far too many similar comments since Espri’s death. He knew a lot of the other kids were talking about him, unsure of his innocence, gauging the possibility that he could have murdered his girlfriend. He had heard them whispering, “How mad would you be if you caught your girlfriend with another guy? Having sex, no less.” He laid awake at night wondering if he would be one of the guys making pot shots at someone else if he were not the suspect. It gave him a little more patience with his fellow students, but he knew he’d done nothing wrong. How could all the evidence point at him? Obviously, someone else had been with Espri. Why weren’t they looking for that guy? The so-called consensual sex partner? Bitter tears burned in Caleb’s eyes. It was bad enough that he hadn’t had her, but that she had betrayed him, all the while he was saving himself for her out of his love and devotion to her, well, it was nearly too much to think of most of the time. She had been giving herself to someone else behind his back. It forced his flicking, ticking heart to falter and flub. The thrumming, strumming constant beat to skip and whirl, flip and twirl. ‘Is this fatal?’ he wondered. The inconsistent pulse took away his breath, drove his brain syntaxes to misfire and a weakness, darkness to spread throughout him. At those moments, and they were far too frequent, Caleb always wondered about, wished for, dreaded and dreamily considered his own death. After much thought he decided that the death part itself wasn’t the worry. It was the dying. Drowning, burning, being tortured-now those types of dying would be awful. But he didn’t think that dying instantly would really be so bad, Especially if you didn’t see it coming. No expectations, just one second living your life and the next, BAM! You’re gone. A car hits you, a blood clot explodes, a gun goes off, you fall asleep one night… It’s the not getting up, waking up, it’s the crumpling on the ground and the onlookers, the friends, the parents, the ones who adore you that know you won’t get up again, now there’s the pain. Caleb wished he’d been shot. That was the easy way, though. Would he have wanted to cause so much pain to his mother? To Espri? Come to think of it, it would have completely freed up Espri. She could have fallen into the arms of her lover and no one would have ever had to worry about her. She would never have been a suspect of Caleb’s murder. Not with her daddy’s position and she being a girl and all. It would have been better for everyone, except his mom, had it been him that died. And there were plenty of times he wished it for himself. All he could see down the road was life without Espri, the girl who betrayed him, and jail. His entire life was over and he hadn’t done anything wrong. Not a thing. Talk about fatal.

I like books/movies that set you right in the middle of the story and let you figure out all the details yourself without the pages of back story. So I am going to allow you to get to know me the same way. Just dump you in the middle of my life and let you catch up with who I am and the characters that surround me as you read. I don’t get to my computer every day. So I may not post every day, but I will at least make a weekly post unless I am away from home.

I’m excited about the writer’s group that is beginning this year. The first meeting is Tuesday the 27th at my house. If everyone comes we should have about 10 regulars. Taylor has class on Tuesday nights so he may not be able to come until May. I really want this to work and be productive for everyone.

I have felt horrible with the mess that is going on because I quit taking my HRT. My doctor can’t see me until the middle of February so I am calling every day to see if she has a cancellation so I can get in sooner. I am now taking pain meds nearly all day long just so that I can function. I know that the weather usually effects me, but I feel that it wouldn’t be bothering me much if I weren’t in so much pain. Living out here in Caldwell has made me so happy. I love the house. It is easy to clean, just the right size and with my bookshelves and new closet space I feel very moved-in. Now, I just need to put up my pictures.

Right now I feel that life is very good for us. Everyone is healthy and happy. Everyone is employed. The kids are all doing well. I am so thankful for all the good things that are in our lives right now.

I have been rattled at doing the new cub scouts job. There was no one who told me what to do and I just had to go last Wednesday and figure it all out on my own. I wasn’t very happy about it and I was stressed big time. Next week, we have pack meeting and I am singing in a cantata so I won’t even be there. In many ways, I am so relieved. In February we will combine with another group, so I will have help. That den mother has been doing the job for a year and she ought to be able to get me going really well.

Last night Levi and Mari came over to help me. They vacuumed the carpet and tile and helped make dinner and brownies. They are such great kids. I really enjoy having them here. Good thing they live so close. During the party they read and then played Wii with Grandpa. I’ve been cleaning out my books and I gave them some of the ones I no longer was keeping. I was surprised at what they didn’t take more than at what they did take. I had to coax Mari to take Black Beauty. And Levi didn’t want The Hardy Boys books that I had. I will see what Aidan and Zoe want. Also Bay might want some. I still have about 20 boxes of books to unpack and I only have 2 1/2 shelves left out of the 8 Charlie built me. There ought to be a lot of kids books for them to pick through when I am done.

I have sat here too long and now I am in a lot of pain. Need to go rest.